Why Money Feels Scary When You’ve Relied Financially on Your Partner And What It Has to Do with Your Nervous System

by Clover Lam

Most people don’t think they will get married, then to get divorced.

I thought walking down the aisle meant I’d have a forever with someone. I thought it meant I won’t need to do life alone anymore.

Marriage, as a result, felt like the ultimate sense of safety.

During my marriage, I carried the notion that men are responsible for the finances. Naturally, I outsourced that financial power to my ex-husband.

I mean, he IS the finance bro after all. Whenever he came home after work, spinning in his ergonomic work chair, he would beam with excitement, going on about his epiphanies about “asset allocation”, how stocks worked, and I smiled and nodded, pretending I was interested while my mind drifted off to what nail colours I should pick for this month’s manicure.

Ladies, do you relate?

In this scenario, who would handle the finances? What? Me?

When he told me the “D” word, the first thing that flashed in front of my eyes was the image of hunch back Chinese grannies picking up tinned cans on the streets of Hong Kong. I felt like I was about to starve to death. “Oh shit, what am I going to do to take care of myself financially? I don’t know ANYTHING!”

This might sound dramatic, but when you’ve relied financially on someone else, your sense of safety is stripped away, your body reacts with survival coping mechanisms to “protect” you.

That can manifest in different ways:

FIGHT: Learn everything about money and even overcompensate on the learning to prove that I am capable. GUILTY.

FLIGHT: Avoid the entire situation all together. If I don’t look at my money, that means there’s no problems, right?

FREEZE: You try to take actions, but just can’t seem to take ANY. Deer in the headlights moments.

FAWN: People please to stay in the relationship even though you’re not happy. The Clover who was still in the marriage is feeling so called out right now.

Let’s be real. I have done ALL of the above in some ways or the others. It took me YEARS to realize that it’s not because I am bad with money, it’s just my nervous system trying to protect me through these coping mechanisms based on PRIMAL survival instincts.

Once I was able to get out of my own way, I started to apply the strategies I’ve learned from the financial independence retire early concept, and invested my money over the last 10 years and semi-retired early in South East Asia at 40.

If you’re in this situation right now, feeling the fear, the overwhelm, the confusion with money like I was, I want to assure you that you’re NOT broken. In fact, you are functioning properly, because your survival instincts actually kicked in!

What would help now, is to become AWARE that this is happening to you. So you can break the loop of shame. The emotion that keeps you stuck.

Which of the FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE OR FAWN responses is your body putting you in right now? Is there one primary response or you have a combination depending on the situation?

Tell us in the comments below, or DM on instagram @thedivorceglowup, would love to know!